Who Sets the Goals in Teen Therapy?
When parents bring their teen to therapy, one of the biggest questions is, “Who decides what the teen works on in therapy?” The answer is more collaborative than people expect.
Parents bring valuable observations about how they see their teen, the situation they are in, and how they have changed over time. They understand what makes their kid tick, what motivates them, and how they have grown. Parents share family goals and their hopes and dreams for their child.
As therapy progresses, I also have ideas for how I could support the client's growth. My role is to listen, notice patterns, ask thoughtful questions, and support the teen in creating goals that are meaningful and achievable.
Ultimately, the teen decides what goals they want to focus on. They are the ones who live their lives, they understand the complexities of their situation, and they know what is causing them the most stress and overwhelm. While growth and development naturally lead to greater control over their lives, they often still feel stifled by the lack of control they experience day to day. Allowing them to choose where to focus their energy leads to better therapeutic outcomes by fostering intrinsic motivation. Therapy is a safe space to explore what is happening in their lives, practice new ways of responding, and make sense of difficult experiences. It is of utmost importance that we trust our teens to understand what is troubling them the most.
“But Sara,” you say, “I know my kid best, I know what they need to work on.” I know, I know. I’m a parent too, I get it. Isn’t it our job, though, as parents, to allow our kids to dip their toes in independence? Aren’t we to allow them the freedom to listen to their inner thoughts and feelings, understand their needs, and problem-solve things themselves? If we don’t give them the opportunity to learn to swim in an environment where they can always reach the pool's edge, what happens when they're thrown into the open water of adulthood? Adolescence is a time when we slowly let go and trust that the seeds we have been sowing will flourish. Will there be bumps along the way? Absolutely. Learning from mistakes is part of the growing-up process.
Teens have a lot going on in their lives. We, as the trusted adults, can be there to support and encourage, but they are the ones who must work through what they must work through. We work collaboratively as a team, with a foundation of calm communication and shared understanding. More often than not, parent and teen goals have more in common than they appear. The teen may just take a different path to reach them. Therapy is a safe space where these different perspectives can converge, helping teens feel confident that they are being heard, and parents can feel confident that everyone is working towards the same goal: helping their teen thrive.
