When was the last time your teen was struggling? As a parent, did you tell them how to solve it, or did you back off and let them figure it out on their own? Sometimes neither option feels good, so I’d like to suggest a third alternative: Get Curious.
Instead of asking how you can get your child through something challenging, or whether you should let them quit something, or why they are being so difficult, you can ask yourself what is making this hard right now, what skill or support they are lacking, and what they are experiencing that I am just not seeing. Parents, it’s time to put on your detective hats. The best detectives are open to any possibility; they gather facts without bias, analyze evidence, and interview people close to the case. Similarly, you will keep an open mind during your investigation, look at the facts, analyze what you find, and talk to your teen or anyone else relevant to the situation, like their teacher or coach. Sometimes your teen can tell you exactly what they are feeling and what is wrong, but often, they can’t verbalize it in a helpful way.
As parents, we sometimes skip the curiosity step and head straight into directives. Our kids often know what they need to do; they just can’t do it. This is where curiosity comes in. We may discover that what appears to be defiance is actually anxiety, perfectionism, exhaustion, shame, sensory overload, or the need for more autonomy. When you notice that your teen is struggling with homework, they may be missing the skill of organization, planning, or focus. If they struggle with sports frustration, they may be missing the skill of coping with mistakes. If mornings are a constant struggle, transitions and routines may be worth looking at. Telling our kids what to do often backfires, but getting curious about their struggles may lead to long-term growth.
Curiosity doesn’t remove expectations; it helps us respond with greater insight. When we have the information that we need, we can provide the right supports. Teens rarely need reminders about their failings; they need connection, understanding, and patience from the people they trust most. So what can a parent do? First, take a deep breath - you, too, are doing the best you can! Next, in a calm, supportive tone, talk with your teen to learn more. Avoid directives - use phrases like, “I wonder what would happen if…”, “Does it feel like…”, and “What have you already tried to solve this problem?” Sometimes teens know what they need, but they don’t know how to get there. We can be their executive function support and help them (not tell them) figure out what the next steps could be. By guiding them and letting them problem-solve with your support, you teach them the skills they need as they grow into independent adults.
