What Adults Get Wrong About Teen Stress
From the outside, many teens appear to be doing well. Their grades are good, they have friends, and they are participating in their favourite activities. However, many of them describe feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and emotionally exhausted. As parents, it is hard not to compare our own adolescent years to what our teens are going through. The challenge is that adolescence looks very different than it did even a generation ago.
The teens I work with, both as a teacher and a therapist, often talk about how much they are carrying, how they are barely hanging on, and, most notably, how much they try to hide their stress from their parents. They recognize that their parents are stressed, too, and quietly choose to hide their stress so they don’t add to that load. Some of the teens who appear to be thriving are the ones trying the hardest to stay afloat. It’s no surprise that many parents are left wondering, “Is my kid ok?”
Here are some ideas to ponder the next time your teen huffs in frustration as they storm away from you:
Teens are doing the best they can. In my experience, teens are rarely being difficult for the sake of being difficult. They may seem irritable, dramatic, disrespectful, lazy, or argumentative - try to remember that these outward struggles are often signs of inward turmoil.
Pause and remember that stress is not measured by age. Just because kids don’t have mortgages and car payments doesn’t mean they don’t have stress. Additionally, their prefrontal cortex (the decision-making, organizing, thinking part of their brain) is not fully developed until their mid-20s.
The pressures they feel are constant, public, and relentless; pressure to achieve, pressure to belong, pressure to figure out who they are, pressure to stay connected, and pressure to appear ok through it all.
Have I offered advice when all my kid wanted was someone to listen? While our teens do come to us for advice, sometimes they need to vent and feel heard. Next time they’re telling you about how hard their day was, try saying, “That sounds hard. Do you want advice or do you want me just to listen?” or “I’m sorry things are tough right now. Do you want a hug?” Full stop. No advice. Just validation.
Could they be carrying pressures I don't fully see—friendship struggles, worries about the future, perfectionism, anxiety, or fears they don't yet have words for?
Parenting teens can be incredibly challenging, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are doing a great job. Your teen is also doing a great job, even though some days it may not feel that way. Continue to be curious about what their behaviour is telling you, compassionate towards their struggles, and trust that feeling seen and understood can go further than having the perfect response. And about that hug I mentioned earlier - don’t be the first to let go. You may be surprised at how long they hold on.
